I have five more nights at home. I don't care how jealous people are, mostly I'm just scared. I have moments when I catch a breath of that wind of change that tastes so good... oddly enough, those times are most when I feel that my family will continue to do grow even while I'm in Austria. I don't feel bummed that I'll be missing stuff -- just relieved that we're not disbanding or anything. It's going to happen someday; everyone will eventually go their separate ways, and then we'll have family reunions and remember the times when we could all be together at the same time. The other night when I was mourning the fact that the Shakespeare days, the Sunday brunch days, were all drifting astern, Lucy reminded me that that's just what happens when one period of life replaces another. Every time has its own peculiar beauty, and to bemoan the loss of a previous one is to miss the one in front of you.
A lot of the time I just have this cloud of terror hanging over me -- mostly, right now, terror of navigating the Munich/Linz airports, switching planes, and getting through security without losing myself hopelessly. Occasionally I can de-stress enough to feel excited. It's an entirely new stage of my life. Who knows where I'll go from here? And it'll probably be the best thing that's happened to me, ever. I know it will all work out for good. But I also need to take a chill pill.
1 comments:
Your terror is perfectly normal, as you know, and that knowledge, as you also know, is cold comfort. If it helps at all, the anticipation of change is MUCH worse than actually having to go through it. The idea of navigating the airports is far more frightening than when you are in the actual situation, at which time you will feel equal to it. When you feel overwhelmed with anxiety, take a DEEEP breath through your nose to the count of 4, hold it for a count of 4, exhale to a count of 7 through pursed lips. It sounds ridiculous, but it works. Remember always that you walk this earth surrounded in a deep atmosphere of love.
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